Dreams, what the …???

I woke up this morning to the sound of my darling wife telling me about one of her strange dreams she had last night, this made me think back a couple of nights back of one of my dreams and I thought I would share it with you.

Ok here goes, it all starts with me cooking breakfast and looking out the window at our pool and I see two dark shapes swimming toward each other in an aggressive manner just below the water surface. So I walk out onto the back deck to take a closer look, then I realize it is two very large alligators getting ready for a fight.

As soon as the two mighty beasts attack each other they turn into two giant T-REX’S and a vicious battle begins they knock each other around in the pool, I watch unconcerned until one of them gets knocked out of the pool and breaks a big hole in my wooden fence before jumping back into the pool to carry on with the fight.

The strange thing is,(ok, not that alligators turning into T-REX’S in my pool is not strange enough) I’m not worried about getting eaten by the T-REX’S are anything like that, my only thought was what were the neighbors going to think if one of the T-REX’S escape from the yard. Then at that very second I see a big black SUV pull up at the hole in the fence, and out gets my dad, my uncle Ronnie, Charlie and my cousin Tony. They are just standing there talking paying know attention to the battle going on in the pool.

Then I feel a cold nose push its way into the palm of my hand and I wake up; it is my dog Bell waking me up telling me it time to go out and pee. (See previous post “the beast beneath the covers” for more information on Bell.

I guess I will never know for sure what this dream was all about, my only guess would be was my pool vacuum had broken a few weeks ago and the water had gotten green,(It’s clear now) I guess I was worried about it are something…I guess the world will never know. Ha-ha.

Living on the wrong side of the track

As I said before I live in the small town of Petal that backs up to the much larger town of Hattiesburg where I work. I love living in a small town, manly due to the lack of traffic…but there is one problem to my paradise, the train track that runs right along the border of the two towns. I have to cross the tracks twice on my way to work, once about a mile form my house, and then downtown Hattiesburg about a half mile from work. I live in a rural area, so sometime the train will park on the track and stop for hours at a time at the location by my house. This leaves you with two options; one sit there and hope the trains moves soon are drive about ten mile away from work and then circle back to the office, just to find out that the train has moved.

It use to make me say very bad words, but now I just live with it…no need to get mad about something you can’t change. Now my wife on the other hand, I thinks she get out of the car and kicks the train a few times. Ha-ha. I have to admit this can be a bad thing if you have to go pee p, are god forbid…well you know, that other bodily function. Ha-ha, clean up aisle three!!! Gross.

Ok so I make it pass the first train and I’m right on time for work and to my horror there it is just sitting there blocking the road again, so close but yet so far, I can see the tower on the building where I work but know way to get around the d#m train. (Oops that slipped out) only good news is this is down town Hattiesburg at rush hour so the train will move but (there’s always a but) it may take as long as twenty minutes at the worst. So it decision time again, do I just sit and wait (the option I usually choose) are do I drive around like a mad man to the many crossing in Hattiesburg (like most people do) ninety percent of the time everyone does this and ends up going to the wrong crossing and ends up waiting longer due to the train doing its little dance…you know the one, where it goes forward then stops and goes backward for awhile, I have to admit I love watching people in my rear view mirror falling apart in their car as the train almost gets across the tracks and then stops and backs up. People really let this bother them; I think it funny most of the time.

Then there is one more thing I find very funny, most of the people in my office live in Hattiesburg, and have to fight god awful traffic every day to and from work, I’m sure it takes each of them thirty to forty minutes of commute each way everyday. But if I show up late maybe once a month due to a train, all I hear is “that why I would never live in Petal” crazy how peoples mind works…ha-ha

Oh yea in case you are wondering why this post now…well I was stopped by a train this morning, and was late for work. Ha-ha.

The creature from beneath the covers

No… not really a creature, it’s just my dog Taco wakening from a good night sleep. The little wife and kids were gone to Louisiana this weekend to visit her sister, and do a little tailgating…GO LSU!!!

So I had the whole house to myself…so I thought. Well the weather turned cold so this means my two small dogs, Taco and Bell (what great names I came up with) need to come inside, we have a large fenced off area at the compound complete with dog house that the dogs normally stay in night and day, but on very cold nights we bring them in due to their short hair and they only weigh in at a few pounds.

As I said before we have two dogs, you would never know they are sisters; they are like night and day different. Taco (the bigger of the two) is very laid back and lovable and never meets a stranger. Bell on the other hand is very petite very shy and runs are barks at anyone new, and she seems to favor my dad and my wife. I call Bell the queen as she would be a great lap dog, you know the type, carried around all day and pampered. (Now that I think about it, it sounds like the wife and me. Ha-ha)

I got both dog a few Christmas ago, I had asked my wife to get me one but ended up with two. What happen was my wife got a deal (cheap dog) from a local puppy farm, 50 bucks, if I remember right. Well when she went to pick up the puppy, the living conditions were so bad that she just could not leave Bell behind.

As for the sleeping the dogs are very different here too, Taco loves to get under the covers and snuggle right up next to my back are all the way down to my feet, either way she is not moving and will sleep there until you wake her in the morning and then there’s Bell…Bell is up and down every few hours, with at least two pee breaks every night and sleeps on top of the covers. But all and all they are both lovable dogs and important members of the family.

So if any of you, nare do wells out there… plan on invading the compound, just remember… Taco, Bell is on patrol.

Oh yea I added this photo of my wife’s cat Lucky just so she would know that I did feed her while she was gone…I think. I have to give credit, where credit is due we have had Lucky the cat for around ten years now, she stays inside 50 percent of the time, never uses a litter box (we don’t own one), and always makes it outside to do her business. If we are asleep when nature calls she will come scratch on our bedroom door until we let her out, smart cat.

Just another day in the life of the compound.

Book review time “God, Guns, & Rock’n Roll”

God, Guns,& Rock’n Roll by Ted Nugent

I guess now that I’m going to be a book reviewer now; I need to come up with some kind of point system, I’ll keep it simple, one to five stars, one being the worse and five being the very best. I have to rank this book as FIVE STARS, Uncle Ted and I have a lot of the same ideas about America and just family in general. Don’t get me wrong Ted’s out there, way, way out there. He talks about everything in this book from his ideas about politics, schools, hunting, concealed gun permits, the media, not to mention God and the great outdoors. Trust me when Ted speaks your going to listen, rather you agree are disagree, he will make you think. Some of the things I found interesting was that he had never been drunk nor did drugs ever in his entire life. I remember being a teenage and going to his concert in Mississippi (back in the 80’s) and I thought he was one of the biggest drug users of all time. Come to find out that he was just high on life not drugs; the media just portrayed him as drunken, high madman. That explains one of many quotes scattered throughout the book “the examples of fraud, manipulation, twisted statistics, and out and out lies about guns by the media are unlimited”. Even talking about other bands Ted never held back another quote when talking about other bands drug drinking and drug use “they got high, and they’re all dead. I went hunting, and I’m still Ted.” Hard truth.

I think most people that like the great out doors, the right to carry concealed weapons, voice their opinion about the government, and a love for America, you will love this book. If you’re a big Pita person, you might want to stay away from this one...ha-ha. Ok review is over, I’ll leave you with one more quote “Ted in the absolute extreme, the whole extreme, and nothing but the extreme, so help me God”

Ps: Ted’s new book just hit the shelf in October, “Ted, White and Blue” I sure hope to find it in

my Christmas stocking this year. Hint...Hint.

PETAL HIGH SCHOOL BEAUTY/BEAU PAGEANT

PHS HOSA PRESENTS-AUTUMN IN THE PARK

43 girls and 10 boys competing for 1st place

This was my baby girls, Allison, first beauty contest. Even though she did not take first place, she will always be #1 in her mothers' and my eyes every time.

Even her little brother Myles had to admit he has a beautiful sister. All the girls looked wonderful but of course, my baby stole the show.

After all the girls were introduced, while the judges were tallying the scores the guys put on several skits it was called the “beau show” I laughed until my side hurt.

Then the band “drum division” came out and played a song or two.

Then it was time for the winners, our little neighbor and Allison’s best friend,Savannah Holsomback # 41,came it third, in my opinion she had the best stage presence of them all, wow she did an excellent job.

First place went to Hannah Walker # 1, and for the guys Justin Yawn.

Let’s hear it for them all, everyone did a great job.
And yes my baby plans to enter next year, so everyone needs to watch out. Ha-ha
THE END

Blonde joke of the day!!!

Another e-mail sent to me by my good buddy Carolyn.

Blonde in the Everglades

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, 'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there a lone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid Ricky P. Chuter

Thanks Libby for the email